The Orthodox Church teaches us that death is the separation of the soul from the body. Holy Scripture (the Bible) shows that when “a person goes to his eternal home,” the body must “return to the earth as it was, and the soul must return to God who gave it” (Ecclesiastes 12:5–7). Whether rich or poor, king or slave, wise or illiterate, we all leave this life one day and stand before God, who will judge us and assign us our due reward. But the bond between the dead and the living does not cease; rather, it is sustained through the unceasing prayer that the Church offers for the souls of the departed, preserving the communion of love and hoping for the resurrection of all at the end of the ages.

When a Christian dies, their relatives often experience moments of confusion, as various opinions and traditions arise regarding the customs surrounding the funeral ceremony that have no connection to the Orthodox Christian faith.

What should we do?

The death of a Christian is a cause for grief and sorrow. When a death occurs, the family must notify the priest of the parish to which the deceased belonged, requesting all necessary information from the clergyman. The priest is the most authoritative person to whom family members should turn. In this way, the priest takes the appropriate steps to properly conduct the memorial and funeral services. The following items should be requested from the church: a mourning veil, a candlestick, candles, incense, charcoal for burning the incense, a “toiag” (a large, ring-shaped candle made of pure wax), a cross (usually made of wax), and an icon. In addition, the date and time of the funeral, as well as the appropriate times for the evening services preceding the funeral (vespers or the vigil), are set with the priest. The church bell-ringer, at the designated times, will ring the church bell “to announce to the other members of the parish that one of their own has departed on the path to eternity, urging them to pray for the deceased.”

The body of the deceased is washed (bathed) with clean water, which recalls the water of baptism through which the deceased became a member of the Church; it is then dressed in new and clean clothes (symbolizing the new garment of incorruption, in which we will rise on the Day of Judgment) and placed in a coffin, facing east (since Christ will come from there at the resurrection of all).

A consecrated icon is placed on the chest (to signify that the Christian in question has breathed his last in Christ) and, next to the hands crossed over the chest (right over left), the candle that is lit when the priest officiates.

The body is then covered with a white cloth, signifying that the deceased is under the protection of Christ.

At the head of the deceased, a candlestick is placed where relatives and acquaintances attending the funeral light candles, reciting the short prayer, “May God forgive him/her!”

Both the candles lit in the candlestick or held in the hands of those present during the service, as well as the burning wick on the deceased’s chest, symbolize the burning lamps or the light of good deeds with which the Christian will meet Christ at the Last Judgment. The candle also serves as a guide for the soul on its path to eternity, dispelling the darkness of death and drawing it closer to Christ, who said: “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12).

A black mourning cloth is hung above the front door of the house and remains there until the 40-day memorial service.

Vigil and Stalpi (Supper)

In the days leading up to the funeral, the priest is summoned by the family, usually in the afternoon, to perform the “Stalpi” service or the evening prayer. This service consists of a short prayer (known in church terminology as a panikhida) for the soul of the deceased, accompanied by the reading of passages from the four Gospels.

For this, a censer or incense burner is prepared in advance, in which charcoal is lit and incense is placed, along with a coliva (usually made of fruit, sweet bread, cookies, etc.), a glass of wine, and food, which the priest will bless in due time.

Coliva made from boiled wheat, sweetened with honey or sugar, is a tangible expression of our faith in immortality and resurrection, as it is made from wheat grains, which the Lord Himself presented as symbols of the resurrection of the body: “Just as a grain of wheat must first be buried in the ground and decay in order to sprout and bear fruit, so too must the human body first be buried and decay, so that it may then rise again in incorruptibility” (1 Corinthians 15:36). The sweets and ingredients that make up coliva represent the virtues of the saints or of the departed who are being commemorated, or the sweetness of eternal life, which we hope the deceased has attained.

The Funeral Ritual

On the day and at the time agreed upon with the priest for the funeral, the relatives prepare incense and offer the priest and the cantor a lit candle each.

After the service held at the deceased’s home (or at the chapel or funeral home), the funeral procession begins and remains in the same order all the way to the cemetery.

The funeral procession is arranged as follows: at the front walks a believer carrying the cross (which will be placed at the head of the deceased); next come those carrying the coliva and wine, the tree with the gifts to be distributed to the poor (a symbol of life and death, representing the paradise where the deceased’s soul is hoped to go), those with wreaths (if any), the candlestick bearers, the cantor, and the priest, the hearse with the coffin, the deceased’s relatives, and the other participants.

On the way to the church and then to the cemetery, the funeral hymn “Holy God” is sung by the choir or the congregation, led by the cantor.

When the procession reaches certain crossroads or places associated with the deceased’s life and work, or when passing by a church, the priest recites the litany for the dead at the coffin.

At the Cemetery

After the funeral service in the church concludes, the procession proceeds to the cemetery. At the edge of the grave, the priest recites the final litany, and “Eternal Memory” is sung. Before the coffin is covered, those who were unable to say their final goodbyes may do so now by kissing the icon on the deceased’s chest and, if appropriate, the deceased’s hand. The priest then completes the entire burial ritual (pouring oil and wine over the deceased, sealing the grave) and blesses the koliva and the offerings that are distributed at the cemetery.

Memorial Meal After the Funeral

After the funeral, the family of the deceased invites those who took part in the ceremony—relatives, acquaintances, and, in particular, those who helped with the funeral preparations—to a meal.

After the service is conducted and the food and drink offerings are blessed, those present are expected to eat with dignity and with prayer in their hearts for the deceased. There is no idle chatter, no joking, no laughter, nor is there eating or drinking as one would at a wedding. Instead of “cheers!” or other toasts, when taking a sip from a glass, one says “May God forgive him/her,” and when receiving a dish, clothing, etc., as alms, one does not say “thank you” but rather “May God accept it!”

The custom of spilling wine from the glass at a charity gathering must be abandoned. Anyone who spills wine on carpets not only demonstrates adherence to pagan customs but also lacks decency, needlessly soiling the carpet or other items at home or in church.

When someone leaves a charity gathering drunk, both that person and the one who gave them excessive drink have sinned.

The most worthy charity is that given to the needy, the disabled, the sick, the helpless elderly, those unable to work, needy families with many children, and those abandoned in orphanages or nurseries.

When the deceased is part of a family without financial means, it is appropriate for the relatives to turn to the priest, who will assist them using church funds and will engage the parish committee to secure the necessary resources from the donations of the faithful. In this way, the family will not feel humiliated, since they have turned to the larger parish family, and the priest and the faithful have the opportunity to fulfill the commandment of Christian love, which must be demonstrated through concrete actions in such situations.

The Significance of the Third, Ninth, and Fortieth Days

Saint Macarius of Alexandria shares with us the angelic revelations he received regarding the state of the souls of the dead during the forty days following death. When the mystery of death is fulfilled, the soul, separated from its body, remains on earth for two more days and, together with the angels, visits the places where it did good; it wanders around the house where it was separated from its body and sometimes even remains near the coffin where its body lies. Then, following the example of the Savior, Who rose on the third day after His death, every soul must ascend to heaven to glorify the Creator of the universe. That is why the Church prays on that day for the dead.

We draw from Saint Theodora’s account the description of the order in which the checkpoints follow one another. On the path to heaven, journeying toward the east, the soul encounters the first checkpoint, where the evil spirits, after stopping the soul accompanied by the good angels, present to it the sins it has committed through speech (idle talk, gossip, obscene language, insults, mocking holy things, lustful songs, laughter, etc.); the second checkpoint is that of lies (any lie, breaking an oath, taking God’s name in vain, breaking promises made to God, concealing sins from one’s spiritual father); the third tollgate is that of slander (slandering one’s neighbor, speaking ill of others, humiliating others, insulting others, mockery combined with forgetting one’s own mistakes and sins); the fourth tollgate is that of gluttony (drunkenness, the habit of eating between meals and in secret, neglecting prayer before and after meals, failing to observe fasting, overeating, indulgence, and, finally, all forms of gluttony); the fifth tollgate is that of sloth (laziness in attending divine services and in personal prayer, negligence at work, idleness); the sixth tollgate is that of theft (all kinds of theft, whether secret or overt); the seventh tollgate is that of stinginess and the love of money; the eighth tollgate is that of usury; the ninth tollgate is that of deceit (unjust judgments, false measures, and other deceptions); the tenth tollgate is that of jealousy; the eleventh tollgate is that of pride (ambition, pride, excessive self-esteem, disrespect toward parents, the clergy, and superiors; disobedience in general); the twelfth tollgate is that of anger; the thirteenth tollgate is that of revenge; the fourteenth tollgate is that of murder; the fifteenth tollgate is that of sorcery (spells, mixing poisons, charms, summoning demons); the sixteenth tollgate is that of impurity (everything related to this sin: impure thoughts, desires, and deeds; carnal love between persons not bound by marriage; sensual pleasure; lustful glances; impure touches; and dreams of impure things); the seventeenth tollgate is that of adultery (unfaithfulness in marriage, the falling into sin of those consecrated to God); the eighteenth tollgate is that of the sin of sodomy (unnatural passions, incest); the nineteenth station is that of heresy (false teachings regarding religion, renunciation of the Orthodox faith, blasphemy, profanity); finally, the twentieth station is that of unmercifulness (cruelty). The passage through the stations takes place on the third day after death.

After the soul has worshiped the Lord, it is led through the various dwellings of the saints to behold the beauties of heaven. This visitation of the heavenly dwellings lasts six days, during which the soul admires and glorifies God, the Creator of all things. In this contemplation, it completely forgets the miseries it endured while in the body; yet, if it is burdened by sins, it grieves, reproaching itself for having wasted its life in negligence and for not having served God according to His commandments.

Upon completing its visit to paradise, on the ninth day (after its separation from the body), the soul ascends once more to God to worship Him. For this reason, the Church offers prayers for the dead on the ninth day.

After the second act of worship, the Lord commands that hell be shown to that soul. Then the soul sees the sufferings of the sinners, hears their cries, groans, and the gnashing of their teeth. Over the course of 30 days, the soul visits every corner of hell and trembles with fear lest it be condemned there for eternity. Finally, on the fortieth day after its separation from the body, it ascends for the third time to worship the Creator. And then, the eternal Judge determines the dwelling place that befits the soul, according to its deeds and its earthly life. Thus, the particular judgment takes place on the fortieth day after death; this is why the Church prays for the dead on that day.

Important Guidelines and Clarifications

• • It is neither appropriate nor permitted for relatives or acquaintances to place money on the icon or on the body of the deceased.
  • Close relatives of the deceased wear a small black ribbon on the lapel of their clothing, called a mourning ribbon. As a rule, this mourning ribbon is worn for 40 days or one year. As a sign of mourning, men do not shave until the 40-day memorial service. The ceremonial attire of others should avoid bright, garish colors that are inappropriate for the solemnity of the occasion.
  • From the time of death until the funeral, we greet family members (when we go to the deceased’s home or when we leave it, as well as at the church during the funeral service) with the words “May God forgive him/her!”
  • This is also the greeting we use when addressing acquaintances or strangers gathered near the deceased’s body.
  • These words of greeting replace the usual “good morning,” “good afternoon,” etc., which are not used on such occasions.
  • Some believers prepare the incense used to cens the deceased in makeshift containers (spoons, cups, plates, tin cans, etc.), which is not only unsightly and impractical but also shows a lack of respect for the deceased. To avoid such situations, it is advisable to purchase a censer (a vessel designed for preparing and burning incense) from the church or a specialty store, or to have such an item crafted with great care by a skilled artisan.
  • It is also inappropriate to use alcohol, paper, candle stubs, wood, or other flammable materials as a “fire” or “embers” to burn the incense. When burned, these produce smoke and an unpleasant odor, which overwhelms the aromatic scent of the incense and affects the breathing of those present. It is best to use charcoal specifically intended for the censer and incense.
  • During the service, all other activities cease, and those present maintain silence and a solemn demeanor, praying together with the priest for the soul of the deceased. There is no talking, no gesturing, and no laughing. Furthermore, as this is a time of prayer, family members must refrain from crying loudly or vocally, so as not to disrupt the order of the service. Those holding lit candles in their hands should be careful not to set the clothes of those around them on fire and should take care not to let wax drip on the floor, whether they are at home, in the mortuary chapel, or in the church.
  • If that day is a fast day, the food must be fasting food, as must the ingredients used to prepare the coliva. To avoid mistakes, it is best to consult the church calendar, as there are also periods when certain sweet foods are permitted.
  • After the priest leaves, if an all-night vigil is held, it is appropriate for the most devout believers to read from the Holy Gospels and the Psalter.
  • There is no smoking, no joking, no laughing, and no storytelling; instead, a solemn atmosphere is maintained.
  • Some believers, in cases where the deceased did not confess or receive Holy Communion, or where a candle was not lit for them at the moment of death, ask the priest to add to the Ectenia (the prayer of remembrance) the words “the unconfessed, the uncommunioned, and the one without a candle.” Indeed, the Church teaches us that “the passing of a person from this life without confession and without the last rites (that is, Holy Communion before breathing their last) is rightly considered, rightly, not only as a great loss for the soul of the deceased, but also as a great sin for their loved ones who remain alive, if this occurred through their fault or neglect.” Beyond these situations, in cases where death occurred accidentally and the deceased, while alive, used to go to confession and receive Holy Communion, the Orthodox catechism permits that, when a memorial service or requiem is held for such deceased persons, their names be accompanied by the notation “died without Holy Communion and without confession,” and sometimes also “without a candle.”
  • The custom of breaking a cup or a bowl when the deceased is carried out of the house for burial is pagan and reflects adherence to a superstition that betrays ignorance.
  • A brass band at a funeral is a custom foreign to the Orthodox tradition, which has never permitted instrumental music in worship. Often, such bands play folk songs, ballads, and marches, which are completely at odds with the solemnity of the funeral. Such practices demonstrate a lack of seriousness on the part of those who request them and a lack of respect for the deceased. In particular, during the four major fasting periods of the year, hiring a brass band for a funeral should be strictly avoided.
  • During the church service, the same atmosphere of silence and contemplation should be maintained.
  • Those in attendance are given lit candles (sometimes accompanied by a handkerchief, a white cloth, or a towel, as well as a pretzel, an apple, or a small bread roll, etc.) in memory of the deceased. Those who receive these gifts are expected to say “May God forgive him” or “Bogdproste!” (a Slavic word that has become part of our language, but which translates to “May God forgive him!”). These phrases replace the usual “thank you” or the French-derived “merci,” which are not used on such occasions.
  • Some believers advise those in charge of distributing candles—often even during the service—not to give them to the immediate relatives of the deceased. This practice is unfounded. The offering and receiving of a lit candle represent the shared belief in the “Light of Christ” that guides the soul of the deceased on the path to eternity. All the more so, close relatives are called upon to join those who profess this faith and to hold in their hands the symbol of the “unfading light.”
  • At the end of the service, family members and other believers kiss the icon placed on the deceased’s chest, and the closest relatives kiss the deceased’s hand or face—this being the final kiss. This gesture—a sign of forgiveness and reconciliation through which we bid farewell to the one who is leaving us—is performed in perfect order and silence, as we are inside the church and the atmosphere of the funeral service must not be disturbed.
  • The practice of attaching a coin to the cross held by the deceased is pagan and must be abandoned. It was believed that the dead used this coin to pay the ferryman Charon for their passage across the Styx (a river) of the underworld. Attaching a coin to the Holy Cross constitutes an act of impiety and the perpetuation of a superstition that no Orthodox Christian can endorse.
  • When the priest recites the prayer of absolution, some believers, not paying attention to the meaning of the words, rush to untie the ribbon binding the deceased’s feet. This gesture should be avoided; the removal of the binding should take place not in the church, but at the cemetery, at the edge of the grave. The priest, in fact, prays as follows: “Unbind, O Lord, Your departed servant (here he mentions the name) from spiritual and bodily sin,” and the second prayer: “And forgive him all that he has sinned in word, deed, or thought, freeing him also from any bond placed upon him in any way, with which he himself, out of anger or for some other reason, has bound himself…” It is therefore clear that the priest does not pray for the removal of the obstacle from the feet, but for the forgiveness of sins.
  • The coliva, wine, bread ring, and wreaths are brought into the church, where they remain throughout the funeral service. Candles are placed in the coliva, bread ring, and wreaths, burning for the duration of the service.
  • The wreaths and the tree remain at the church door.
  • Men will enter the holy church with their heads uncovered.
  • At the head of the deceased, one or two candlesticks are placed, in which those present light candles.
  • When organizing the funeral procession, it is customary for someone to carry, next to the cross, a mourning photograph of the deceased or an icon of the saint whose name the deceased bears.
  • When stops are made for the priest to recite the litany, certain believers designated in advance place pieces of white cloth called “bridges” under the hearse or in front of it. These represent the “gates of heaven,” which the soul of the deceased must cross on its ascent to God’s judgment seat. At this time, alms and money are also distributed to the poor in memory of the deceased.
  • If any family member or other believer (friend, coworker, etc.) wishes to speak at the bier of the deceased, they must contact the officiating priest, who will indicate the most appropriate time to do so.
  • To save time for those in attendance (some relatives have traveled from far away) and because a funeral procession should not be an occasion for ostentation or a parade, it is advisable to avoid long walks on this occasion, choosing instead the shortest route to the cemetery.
  • There is also another misconception regarding the route taken from the deceased’s home to the church and from there to the cemetery. Everyone knows that the deceased is going “on the road of no return.” This expression actually means that the deceased will obviously not return home. Many, however, believe that the expression “the road of no return” means that under no circumstances should one return with the deceased along the same route. This leads to a whole series of complications, as people attempt cumbersome itineraries that are time-consuming and force the mourners to walk long distances, unnecessarily increasing their fatigue. To avoid such situations, those in charge of organizing the ceremony should consult with the priest in advance.
  • In some places, the superstition still persists that on the first day of the week—Monday—it is not good to hold a funeral (“because it is the beginning of the week and everyone in the house would die”). Naturally, such a “belief” is false and should not be taken into account; the funeral may be held on any day of the week.
  • The icon placed on the deceased’s chest is taken by relatives and brought home; it is usually used again during the forty-day memorial service (panaghia). Likewise—though it is not mandatory—the funeral candle may also be taken home and lit on the memorial days for the deceased.
  • Now the relatives remove the footrest from the deceased’s feet, which is left in the coffin.
  • It is customary to gather the flowers that were placed in the coffin and, after the grave has been covered, to place them on top, as they serve as a reminder of the beauty of heaven.
  • The tree (or tree branch) decorated with fruit, sweets, pretzels, etc., which was carried at the head of the funeral procession, is planted at the grave next to the cross after it has been emptied of its offerings, which are distributed as alms.
  • At this time, various gifts are also distributed for the souls of the deceased. It is preferable that this charity be directed toward needy strangers.
  • It has become a tradition that, after the grave is filled in, a quilt (or blanket), pillows, a bucket of water, a live chicken, etc., are placed “over the grave” as alms. All of these items have but a single meaning: charity for the soul of the deceased, which need not necessarily pass from the giver to the recipient across the grave; the gesture carries no specific symbolism and has no religious significance.
  • The family, already so deeply grieved, should not go to extremes in preparing for the funeral. Such a sad event should not be turned into an occasion for boasting or a competition to make as many and as expensive preparations as possible. We must maintain moderation in everything we do, focusing more on prayer for the soul of the deceased than on lavish meals and costly gifts. It is not the expensive coffin, nor the many wreaths or floral arrangements, nor the refined and abundant meals that should concern the family, but rather the heartfelt prayer that the soul of the deceased needs, for it is preparing to meet God. The most appropriate course of action in such situations is to practice charity (that is, to give alms) by providing food and clothing to Christians living in difficult circumstances in nursing homes, to orphans, widows, children’s homes, and organizations for the disabled— in short, to strangers who are truly in need and who would be glad to receive a garment or a plate of food.

    Fr. Eugen Dragoi, Funerals and Memorial Services for the Dead,
    Published by the Diocese of the Lower Danube, Galați, 2002